Flowology’s Weblog

Sex may be a biological function, but it also creates a feeling of union, of merging. The energies of two individuated beings come together - there is a momentary feeling of bliss in this union. The biological sex drive is probably more psychological than anything else - how much does a person crave the kind of intimacy which lets them feel at one with another person? Some people are very balanced and don’t need it much. Others are repressed and need it so much that their desires become perverted with desperation.

Sex is supposed to be a doorway into the spiritual, but in our world it is rarely more than the urge to satisfy a need. We have created a sexually repressed society. John Milton described Adam and Eve having plenty of sex in Eden, before the Fall. There was no guilt or shame, just spiritual union through the physical body. After the Fall, they became so conscious of each other’s bodies that they lost sight of the soul. They still wanted that intimacy but they didn’t know how to reach it. They tried various things, but nothing worked because the vision had been lost.I don’t believe in any particular religious doctrine, but I do think that we are living in a time where our vision has been lost. This is affecting every area of our lives, including relationships and sex. At some point, I hope, we will awaken to our true selves.

Recently I’ve been counselling a friend of mine, Matthew, who is a real fantasist. He lives for IDEAS, and ideas are almost as real to him as reality, if not more so. Sometimes he says wistfully, “What you feel and create in your mind is just as real as the world outside. There are thoughts, but they are still HAPPENING just as much as events out there.” I’m not sure I can fully agree with this, although Matthew’s argument is very convincing. I can see that what we feel is real whether it comes from a self-projected fantasy or from a life event, but somehow I can’t give it as much value because it does not impact on all five physical senses and it is mostly only real for the person creating the fantasy. But what I do believe is that mind creates matter, and thinking about something enough can make it happen in physical reality…

Anyway, Matthew is a funny character. For one thing, he’s handsome and could get any girl he wanted. For another, he is very sensitive and values his freedom a lot. He gets into relationships, gets frustrated and gets out. So now he’s decided he prefers fantasies and would rather have a relationship that is impossible in physical reality. He’s gone for the internet romance option. He exchanges intimacies with a person he barely knows, who he feels very much attracted to based on what he has got to know of her in virtual reality. They are quite happy keeping things limited to that sphere.

I think it’s a little strange, but what about real life relationships? When people first meet, it’s all about idealising each other and creating fantasies together. That’s what keeps the flame of desire burning. Once people are married with a family, mundane responsibilities kick in and we see each other in the true light of day. We either accept each other as human after all, and the love deepens, or we feel the need to chase another fantasy in order to make life exciting once again.

Why are fantasies so exciting? I think it’s because they make us feel powerful. In the world of fantasy, anything is possible and we can be anyone we want. We can make our own stories.

I guess the happiest person in the world is the one who’s reality matches their fantasy. That’s what you call ‘living the dream’!

Our species has a real problem with sexual relationships. Other animals seem not to have this issue. They just do it with whomever they want and they deal with the consequences however they like; they go with instinct and their instincts more or less follow the pattern of nature.

But we, on the other hand, have this thing called a ‘developed’ mind, which creates all kinds of issues. For instance, attraction is instinctive, but there are so many considerations that we can’t follow through with just instinct. If you are committed, you STILL get attracted to other people but you pretend not to. You try not to act on it. This is because our society needs stable units (couples, family) for order. That’s why we’ve created a sense of possessiveness over our partners and religions with crazy commandments. So, that’s probably why 50% of couples have affairs and the divorce rate is rising (you have to hide your instincts, but you can’t hide your affair forever). Those people who are NOT having affairs are probably past being repressed and have reached a state of true contentment; these people are few and far between.

It’s really a lot to do with sex. We love sex because we love feeling desired and forgetting our limited realities. There’s nothing wrong with that unless it becomes an addiction. It’s ok if we do it, but we can’t tolerate our partners being attracted to someone else. This is pure ego; our little self feels threatened. Also, we need to keep a false sense of order in society by thinking that ‘free sex’ with result in STDs spreading like wildfire; this is an important consideration, but will making things TABOO actually stop them happening? More likely, those instincts will STILL manifest but in a worse way, because they happen out of desperation and guilt. In a society of open education and informed freedom with regard to sexual relations, there are likely to be fewer negative consequences.

So, I think we should all just chill out about sexual relationships, be honest, open and informed. Two consenting adults who engage in a relationship that is non-possessive are more likely to be independent and fulfilled rather than desperate and needy.

Have you ever desired someone and that person desired you back, but everything in the universe prevented you from being together? This is the exact situation one of my close friends is in. She has a special connection with a man, who wants her just as much, but it’s impossible. The reason why it’s impossible? They were both already in loving relationships before they met each other and couldn’t leave their spouses just like that. They have good marriages. They are also from completely different backgrounds and live on opposite sides of the globe.

So, you’re probably wondering how they got to know each other… Well, they met at a work conference and got talking. My friend, let’s call her Tina, said that James was on the exact same wavelength as her and they fell into a deep conversation. They both clicked with their partners in an ‘opposites attract’ sort of way, but with each other, it was like they were the one mind in two bodies. They were working in the same location for a while, and kept meeting at work functions. Eventually, the truth came out. But they could do nothing about it. Now they are living miles apart, but whenever they speak, the potential of that connection still hits them.

They saw each other recently and things got pretty heavy. They almost spent the night together but somehow managed to avoid it. Sometimes when he speaks to her, he tells her how much he wants her, craves her. Most of the time, they avoid talking about their feelings. Why are they still in touch? They share a way of seeing the world which is very special and it keeps them connected, but the desire part makes it impossible.

When I ask her if she would ever act on this desire, she affirmatively says no. But it’s very likely, that without intentionally meaning to do anything, she could get lost in the moment. I really don’t know how to help her. Is this something she can accept and deal with it if she doesn’t think about it too much? I hope so. She is a good person who loves her life, it’s just this connection which she finds overwhelming.

I wonder if the universe is trying to tell her something by putting her in this situation. Maybe that love is universal and cannot be exclusive? Before she met James, Tina always said she couldn’t even think about another man in the same way as her husband. She was so adamant about true love being an exclusive phenomenon. And she still adores her husband, but also has some feeling for another person.

Sometimes I think that life is a funny game where you end up getting more than you gambled for, but it causes you a bit of heartache if you don’t know how to handle it.